Something I've been thinking about for a while

I've been thinking about visiting friends in the US and Canada for a while now. Several friends have asked me numerous times to come and visit, and it's something that I really feel like doing now. Things here are getting a little dull and boring, and usually when that happens I do something silly, like going and travelling for a while. But seriously, there are lots of friends I would love to meet. At this point I'm not totally sure on the timing, but going to start and plan it out a bit at least.....flights.....who to visit etc. So, if anyone is interested in meeting me (yeah right? hehehe), let me know either with a comment on here, a tell on the mud, or send me an email. Simple enough.

Saturday Night Date

So, last night I went out on a date with Alison. I figured why not give it a shot, afterall who knows, right? Dinner, a movie, a nice cafe afterwards. Sounded good to me.

I arrived to pick her up on time....red rose and chocolates in hand (yes I know very cliche) I knock on the door. She answers, and she looked great. She took the rose and chocolates and gave me a little peck on the cheek. I'm thinking, pretty good so far. But that was it.

Dinner was awkward to say the least. Moments of silence that were just awkward, and uncomfortable, and I hate silence. The movie was terrible, and coffee afterwards wasn't really any less awkward than dinner. She is a nice girl, but we just have very little common, and there was nothing there *sigh*. Oh well.


I find myself more and more lately, feeling lonely. It's not a loneliness for human contact, or friends, or family, because all of that is good. It's a loneliness for lack of something more. I've never really been someone who needed to be in a relationship, and the times I've been single have never really bothered me much before, but I find it different now. People change I guess. I don't know if part of it's that I'm starting to get a little bored with how life is at the moment, and I want more to it. But I know I'm lonely for something more, and it sucks. It really fucking sucks.

I want someone to share things with that I can't share with anyone else. Someone to have a closeness with. A friend. Someone to share a laugh with, to have fun with. Someone who interests me and intrigues me. Someone to dance with in the rain, to hold hands with in the sun. To cuddle with under the blankets when it's cold. Someone who accepts me exactly as I am and loves me for being that way. Someone who doesn't care what people think about them. Someone to fill with fire and passion. Someone who will ride rollercoasters with me at the amusement park and maybe even think about going skydiving with me. Someone to romance, to make them feel like they are the most special person in the whole world, and to do it for no other reason than loving them and caring about them.......and there is so much more to it, but I won't bore you all with anymore..........for now at least.

You took my hand
You showed me how
You promised me you'd be around
Uh huh
That's right
I took your words And I believed
In everything You said to me
Yeah huh
That's right

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong
I know better
cause you said forever
and ever
who knew

Remember when we were such fools
And so convinced and just too cool
Oh no
No no
I wish I could touch you again
I wish I could still call you a friend
I'd give anything

When someone said count your blessings now
For they're long gone
I guess I just didn't know how
I was all wrong
They knew better
Still you said forever
And ever
Who knew

Yeah yeah
I'll keep you locked in my head
Until we meet again
Until we
Until we meet again
And I won't forget you my friend
What happened

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong
That last kiss
I'll cherish
Until we meet again
And time makes
It harder
I wish I could remember
But I keep
Your memory
You visit me in my sleep
My darling
Who knew
My darling
My darling
Who knew
My darling
I miss you
My darling
Who knew
Who knew


Who Knew by Pink

Some Song Lyrics

Am I not pretty enough
Is my heart too broken?
Do I cry too much?
Am I too outspoken?
Don’t I make you laugh?
Should I try it harder?
Why do you see right through me?

I live, I breathe, I let it rain on me,
I sleep, I wake, I try hard not to break,
I crave, I love, I’ve waited long enough,
I try as hard as I can.

Am I not pretty enough?
Is my heart too broken?
Do I cry too much?
Am I too outspoken?
Don’t I make you laugh?
Should I try it harder?
Why do you see right through me?

I laugh, I feel, I make believe it’s real,
I fall, I freeze, I pray down on my knees,
I hope, I stand, I take it like a man,
I try as hard as I can.

Am I not pretty enough?
Is my heart too broken?
Do I cry too much?
Am I too outspoken?
Don’t I make you laugh?
Should I try it harder?
Why do you see right through me?

Why do you see,
why do you see,
why do you see right through me?

Am I Not Pretty Enough by Kasey Chambers


A letter to you on a cassette
'Cause we don't write anymore
Gotta make it up quickly
There's people asleep on the second floor
There's no aphrodisiac like loneliness
Truth, beauty and a picture of you

You'll be walking your dog in a few hours
I'll be asleep in my brother's house
You're a thousand miles away
With food between your teeth
Come up for summer I've got a place near the beach
There's room for your dog

There's no aphrodisiac like loneliness
Truth, beauty and a picture of you

There's no aphrodisiac like loneliness
Truth, beauty and a picture of you

There's no aphrodisiac like loneliness
Youth, truth, beauty, fame, boredom and a bottle of pills

There's no aphrodisiac like loneliness
You shouldn't leave me alone

There's no aphrodisiac like loneliness
Bare feet like a tom-boy and a crooked smile

Truth youth beauty fame boredom red hair no hair innocence
Saturday and a picture of you
A letter to you on a cassette
You shouldn't leave me alone

Forty shaved sexy wants to do it all day
With a gun-totin' trigger-happy tranny named Kinky Renée
Tired teacher twenty-eight seeks regular meetings for masculine muscular nappy-clad brutal breeding
While his wife rough-wrestles with a puppy all aquiver
on a wine-soaked strobe-lit Asiatic hall of mirrors and a dash of loneliness
There's no aphrodisiac quite like it
Truth, youth, beauty, fame, boredom, red hair, no hair, innocence, impunity and a picture of you
I got a video set-up me love you short time she pay me suck his finger with some fine wine and a dash of loneliness
Truth, youth, beauty, fame, boredom, red hair, no hair, innocence, awkwardness, impunity, and a picture of you

No Aphrodisiac by The Whitlams


I was sitting in the shop listening to music after we closed, and these two songs came on my playlist. I love both of these songs. I'm not sure why it is really, I wouldn't say they are by artists or groups who are huge favourites of mine. But the lyrics and the quiet intensity and passion with which both songs are sung.............I thought I would share them. I was going to post some more, but alas I have to go. Another time maybe.

The Last Few Days

Until this afternoon, the last week has been pretty good.

Started speaking to a friend again that I haven't spoken to in a long time. Starting to feel motivated about parts of my life again, and just generally been feeling much better, and much more at ease with who I am and the changes that I have to make.

Had a fantastic weekend. Got to spend most of the Weekend with my dad and family, which I don't get to do anywhere near enough anymore. Family is important to me, even if a lot of time I don't get along with them, I still love them. Maybe the fact I don't get to see them all as much makes me appreciate that time alot more. Anyway, him and Audrey visited on their way home from Melbourne, and we got together with my aunts (Jan & Betty who I totally adore, they drink, smoke, gamble, and are just generally lots of fun), my uncle Brian, Graeme (my younger brother) and his wife Lisa, and my older brother Mark, and went to one of the clubs around here. Played the poker machines a little bit and had some luck, won almost $500. We had a fantastic meal at the restaurant there, had a huge helping of Ribs, and it was just an extremely enjoyable, and relaxing, and fun weekend.

My dad's health is really good at the moment. He was told before he left to go to Melbourne that he has at least five years before his cancer will start to have a serious affect on his health. The specialist recommended he try the hormone treatment, and that it would probably extend the time until the cancer seriously affects his health to 10 years or more. My dad is going to try it, which is something he never wanted to do previously due to the side affects. Great news compared to what we were expecting.

That is pretty much things up until today.

A Thankyou

I have to say a thankyou to everyone who has spoken to me on the mud, sent me an email, or spoken to me RL about the disorders post, and wished me good luck, or said thankyou for speaking up. Even though I only made that post for the reasons at the top of it, the support has been greatly appreciated. Thankyou.

Disorders

The title says it all. This post is not meant to provide any excuses for how I am or how I have acted over time, because I take full responsibility for any and all of my actions, and I'm sorry for those that have hurt people. It's for those people who I have hurt with my behaviour, both friends and family, who deserve to know some things. I've ruined relationships and friendships, the latest being with someone I care a great deal about. I hope the people who deserve to know do read this.

The current therapist is the third one I've had. The first two were quite some time ago and they weren't for very long, mostly because I didn't like what they had to say and didn't want to listen. I was previously diagnosed with bipolar (if your interested just google it)

I will get to now.

I've been diagnosed as having pure obsessional OCD.

Pure obsessional OCD features no outward manifestations. I will have a persistent undesireable thought or impulse which causes extreme stress. It's not simply an excessive worry, they can't be ignored or suppressed. You know that it's just a product of your own mind more often than not but it doesn't matter. You think about it until you neutralize it with some thought or otherwise. It can make me think about things that I don't want to think about and it's completely out of my control. Quite often the way of neutralizing the thought just creates more problems. I can be severely depressed. I will question those people around me and my relationships with them. I can't relax, I can't just enjoy things that I should. I get easily frustrated. I have personality traits which are common to people with Pure O and an obsessive personality. I'm impulsive (won't go into some of the things I've done that I'm not proud of because it's a long list), emotional, indecisive, and worst of all a perfectionist. Perfectionism? what can be wrong with that? it's not just the need to have a piece of work done perfectly, it's the NEED to have everything feel right. Your work right. Your relationships right. EVERYTHING right. How often does everything feel right?
I'm now working towards controling and improving it.

There is more that I'll add when I'm not quite so tired.

Oh, and anyone who may read this or posts that may follow and has any questions, feel free to ask. I'll try and answer them.